New Year, Same Flaws
For the first time this year I actually don't feel anxious about anything. There's plenty that I could be worrying about, and I'm sure the week will bring its own unique brand of stress, but I'm taking a moment right now to be thoroughly grateful for feeling like myself again. I'm not even truly sure what's changed other than getting past a hurdle I was concerned about at work and having taken most of this weekend to take good care of myself. I got to snuggle some puppies at the animal shelter, got loads of chores done off my list, binged a bunch of enjoyable stuff on Netflix (get ready for ANM next week!) I also got to watch my favorite team steamroll their opponent in the playoffs (GO PATS) and I have my Korean short rib stew simmering away as I type.
All this to say, I've been in the middle of an intense battle with anxiety since mid November, so if I haven't seemed like myself in a while, I can give you plenty of reasons why unfortunately. I hope that this is a bit of a turning point, but as a backup plan I'm already in the process of setting up some more sessions with my therapist to get to the root of the issue. This also means that I've been behind on writing here, even though it's very much my intention to pour more energy into this venture this year. In the interest of providing actually awesome posts that make people feel good and provide value, I acknowledge that I may in fact need to take another short break to get my head on straight. I'm planning for a regular post next week, but if I "disappear" suddenly just know that I'm doing the best I can to take care of myself to make sure I can keep writing things for all of you.
I'm coming to terms with the fact that it's okay to not be your best every single day. It's okay to have days where you're not #crushingit in all areas of your life. We do need to always strive for the things that are important to us. For instance, I will never stop making every effort to improve my relationships with the people I love. I will never again sacrifice my health for anything or anyone else. I obviously will do everything I can to make sure I have a roof over my head, the bills are paid, and the cat has as much food as she demands. This is no blanket excuse for coasting through life and phoning it in and blaming the world if I fail at the big things. It's an acknowledgement that I simply can't be better every single day and I can't ever actually attain perfection. Can I try really hard to be a little bit better today that I was yesterday? Certainly. Do I have to perform every task today flawlessly for my day to be considered a success? Actually, no, that would be completely unreasonable.
January can be a tough time for people who struggle to keep good habits or to quit the bad ones. You're bombarded with constant reminders on social media that A) you're a failure if your resolutions didn't last more than a couple weeks and B) everyone else is sticking to theirs perfectly; just look at their shiny new Instagram gym selfie for evidence. My friends, this is no reason to sink into self-loathing. I promise you for every friend you see nailing their goals (which should be celebrated and they have every right to be proud of them publicly) there's another who is really struggling with theirs.
We forget that social media is airbrushed. Would you even have realized that the girl you met at a party in college isn't wearing makeup in that photo unless she tagged it #naturalbeauty #nomakeup #wokeuplikethis and captioned it "Felt cute, might delete"? Probably not. It's awesome for her that she doesn't need makeup to feel beautiful and that she's proud of it. And it's also totally okay not to feel comfortable doing the same thing because whoops, you ate a bunch of chocolate last night even though you swore you'd cut out sweets and now you have a zit. We are all human. We are all perfectly imperfect. You have permission to be flawed. You are good enough exactly the way you are right now.
If you, like me, have already hit a major stumbling block in your goals for the year, this is your free pass to stop beating yourself up about it. If it's a goal that is really important to you right now, just start over again. Maybe try a less ambitious version of that challenge - one that is grounded in your actual life, not your aspirational vision board of what it will look like when some day you get to be happy. You get to be happy now. What matters is that you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again.
Love yourself, or at least be kind to yourself. The important part is that you're trying and that's more than a lot of people will ever do. In this culture of hustle and perfection and photoshop and constantly moving goal posts, just breathe and focus on the little things. I promise you're doing better than you think you are and remember: we're all in this together.
Are you struggling with your goals for the year? Tell me, tell anyone who loves you really, because I'm betting you'll get help and support and precisely zero judgement.