On feeling jealousy
Today I have a lot of thoughts on jealousy. If you ask me, it's the number one reason that relationships fall apart or fail to completely take root in the first place. We all fall prey to it at one time or another, and it never feels good for anyone involved. It has its own particular stink that permeates interactions and lingers long after. It's a pretty tough smell to eradicate and no amount of air fresheners are going to cover it up or get rid of it entirely. You've got to find the source and take care of it so it stops tainting your behavior.
The root of jealousy can take many forms. It can look like insecurity, entitlement, or a lack of healthy boundaries. It always seems to come from comparison - whether it's directly comparing ourselves to another on a superficial level, comparing the material things we have to someone else's achievements, or comparing the relationships we have to how someone else's looks from the outside. Comparisons are a useful tool, insomuch as they help us to define our goals and what we want to pursue. When they cease to serve us productively though, we need to learn to look at them skeptically - especially when it comes to comparing the relationship that looks perfect on the surface with the one you have.
Comparing your relationship to anyone else's is like comparing apples to orangutans, there's just no helpful insight that can come from it unless you're using it to better your own behavior towards your partner. If you see a couple that appears happy and successful and you see elements of that relationship you wish you had, jealousy can certainly arise. What never ever works, though, is telling your partner you want them to be more like the other couple, or asking them to behave the same way with you as they do with others. Instead, an honest conversation including admitting that you're feeling jealousy around the topic will open up dialogue and help you both determine what can be changed to bring you closer rather than making them feel defensive or that they have to change to make you happy. If you demand or manipulate change from your partner and never delve into why it is you're feeling jealousy, the problem is still going to be there - that jealousy will just keep shifting and undermining your relationship.
When I feel pangs of jealousy, I try to be mindful enough to ask myself about what's really happening. Am I feeling insecure? Am I feeling unloved? Am I blaming someone or something else for my unhappiness? If the answer to any/all of these questions is "yes", then I know I need to sit down and figure out what the real issue is and how I can improve to put the jealous feelings to rest. I am by no means immune to acting out in jealousy. I'm human, I make mistakes, and it helps to acknowledge that every single person on the planet struggles with jealousy. Most often though, the answer to jealousy is a shift in our own behavior, not to anyone else's.
The thing to remember about jealousy is that at one point in our evolutionary history we developed this response for a reason. Jealousy made early humans more competitive for resources leading to increased likelihood of survival. Now that we as a species no longer live in a daily struggle for survival, this feeling has much less benefit.
A helpful exercise I've been taught on how to deal with unpleasant feelings is sometimes termed "radical acceptance". When you feel jealous, stop and imagine you are addressing the feeling itself. Say to it (out loud or in your head if you're afraid of looking like a crazy person): "Thank you for trying to protect/help me, but I don't need you right now", and then take a deep breath and let it be. Don't chastise yourself for feeling jealousy or continue to beat yourself up for not being "something" enough. Truly accept the feeling you had as your subconscious trying to help solve the problem and then stop letting it run your thoughts. Take back control and approach the core of the issue introspectively.
Fans of Siddhartha will remember the battle with Mara, and this practice of acceptance is also often called "Inviting Mara to Tea". Invite your inner demons to sit down with you and chat amicably. Remove the reactionary power they have to interfere with your relationships. Find a method of handling these pangs of jealousy that works for you and try to just remember not to judge yourself too harshly. As long as you're self-aware enough to acknowledge your own destructive behaviors you're on your way to being able to fix them.
When do you feel jealous? What can you do to turn it into motivation or put it to bed? Tell me the ways you experienced jealousy from others; I'd love to do a follow-up post on how to manage jealousy when it's turned against you.