On practicing self-respect

Alright, this is going to be one of the hardest things for me to open up about, but I'm determined to master it this year. This topic scares me, which is exactly why I should write about it - if it's scary, it's almost certainly worth doing. I learned last year that doing more things that made me nervous...made me nervous about fewer things. It helped me grow in ways I never thought possible.

So, let's get right down to it.

I suck at respecting myself.

I'll clarify: my self-esteem and confidence are not the problem. I feel like I'm kicking ass; I feel worthy of the respect of others - my problem comes from within.

I've been wrestling with this my whole life; it has led me into toxic relationships at every turn, both romantic and platonic. There is a part of me that feels like I don't deserve to respect myself and that I don't deserve what I really want in life. This part of me says I should just make do with what presents itself to me and be content with that. It whispers that to want more is to be unforgivably selfish and self-centered and that reaching for it is outright inconceivable.

I realized when I wrote about not knowing what I want that it's largely because I've always shied away from asking that question of myself. I don't ever think about what I really want because I don't feel like it's even possible for me to have it, let alone be able to define what it is I would want if I could have it. It's easier to hide from it and to keep my head down and keep making my pretty little (unfulfilling) life.

And you know what? That's not gonna cut it anymore. What I want is to be able to define what I want, and then to go get it. I want to know the answer to that question. So it seems the first step is figuring out how to respect myself in the first place.

I took to the internet for answers (like a good little millenial) and a good place to start is to determine the values by which I want to live my life. That, "they" say, is the key to living a life that you can respect and be proud of.

I'm not done mulling these over yet, but here's where I'm starting:

First and foremost I want to live with Authenticity. Now, this is where we get into weird definitions, because this is something I pretty naturally strive for. I'm always trimming down frills and cutting away the superficial and searching for the stripped-down core of everything that I do. So to say this is a value of mine to work towards is redundant; this is where all of my values stem from. This, apparently, is what business-savvy people call my table stakes. It's something that I can take with me into how I approach anything in life without needing to define it. It's something so inseparable from how I make decisions normally as to place it before any values that I would need to think about consciously. I like to think of it as an Uber-Value, something larger (and more nebulous) than a cut-and-dry categorization for the decisions I make.

The values I've chosen with that in mind are being modified slowly. I'm refining them and customizing them and making sure they really resonate with the person I want to be for myself.

1. Openness

I want to approach everything I choose to do with wide open intentions. I want to be open to new ideas and experiences, and I specifically don't want to take on anything that would exclude potential happiness. I want to be open to moving across the country if it's for the right opportunity. I want to be open to deepening a new friendship if it might mean finding a positive influence in my inner circle. I want to be open to everyone about who I am and everything I do. I believe that openness is a prerequisite to connection and that is something I want to cultivate in my life. Deep connection is my joy, so to find it I want to open myself up more and more each day - body, mind, and soul.

2. Honesty

This may sound a lot like Openness, but there's a difference for me in that Honesty is more about living with integrity and being accountable to myself for that. Openness is about relating to the outside world, whereas Honesty is about knowing that I'm living in a decent and respectable way. I want to be honest with myself about my intentions, my desires, my goals. I also want to be honest with everyone around me, personally and professionally, because when it boils down I just really hate lying/deception/dishonesty. I've been in positions where it has been deemed necessary to keep from making a bad situation worse and nothing has made me feel slimier. A friend of mine sometimes calls me "problematically truthful", but I don't want to be any other way. I want people to know they can trust me and that I will never knowingly deceive them. I just know that on my death bed I'll have time to think about every lie I've ever told, and I want that to be a blip compared to all the joyful experiences in my life.

3. Levity

I know life is serious business - ostensibly we only get one shot at it, but I refuse to take myself too seriously. I think being able to laugh at ourselves and at each other and at the whole ridiculous experience of life is key to true happiness. I want to make sure I'm always choosing things in life that add levity, for myself and for those around me. It feels like we're living through some very dark times, but I never want it to dampen the light we all can bring to each other. I want to always make the choice that allows me to be light-hearted. This isn't to say that I'm not ready to put in hard work, and it's not that I think nothing bad will ever happen to me or that I won't have dark days. What I mean is that if I have the choice between something that will give me a funny story to tell later or something that's safe, I'm going to take the risk. If I have the choice between something that would be impressive on a resume or something that will make me smile every day, I'm going to choose to chase happiness. If I have the choice to spend more time with people who lift me up, even though it will mean leaving people who do the opposite and cause some hurt feelings, I'm going to choose the people who elevate me, and to whom I can bring value and joy.

4. Stability

As unsexy as it is, this is one thing that I am sure I need in my life. I am not a gypsy-like world-traveler, I am not a mogul-like career-juggler, I don't even like when my morning routine gets thrown off. I am happiest when my days look largely the same. I find that the more stability I have in my life, the happier I am. This doesn't mean that I won't take a risk and upend my schedule for the right opportunity, just that if I can choose between adding chaos or adding organization, the latter is going to bring me exponentially more joy. Where it becomes a value rather than an Uber-Value is where it meets the outside world. I want to live in a way that is stable so that the people I care about can depend on me. I want to be their rock. I want to support my loved ones in all the ways I can. I want to always choose to be there for them because (a shocking realization that came to me just two days ago), they are there for me because they WANT to be there for me. They don't feel obligated, they actually want me to be happy. I've always wanted the same for everyone around me and so I think it's important to move this into a conscious place. I want to always be stable for the people in my life as long as it's not intruding on any of my other values.

5. Perseverance

I struggled with what to call this one. I was trying to roll grit and ambition and tenacity all up into one and I think that perseverance puts a nice little bow on that package. In all things in my life I want to have that "stick-to-it-iveness" that drives successful people. I happen to be one of those weird people that creates and sticks to habits extremely well (I gave myself a bed time senior year of high school because I noticed I was happier when I was more well-rested), and I want to use that innate talent and allow it to become something I consider moving forwards to get the things I want out of life. I want to always be willing to put in the hard work, to stay late, to finish what I started, to take my own personal and professional goals seriously so that I can also help the people around me. I feel best when I feel like I'm adding value, so I'm hoping to persevere more in life to find my joy, live it, and help others along the way.

These values feel like a good foundation. They feel like a solid place to put my feet while I look around for the next step. I am nowhere near finished and I'm sure that I never really will be. Honestly, I hope I'm not - that sounds boring! I hope that this step moves me in the right direction and that someday I wake up realizing that I've always had the tools I needed to respect myself, I just needed to push myself and realize that I can choose to do it.

Do you struggle with self-respect? How have you tackled it? How have you stumbled on your way? I'd love to hear your advice!