What do you want?
When I was meditating this morning it occurred to me (for the millionth time this year) that I've never been very good at deciding what I really want - but that I've succeeded so far on making the best of what I've been given or what has happened for me in life. There's nothing wrong with that, by the way, it's a perfectly good way to get by and I would never dream of telling anyone they need to be doing something differently if that's the case for them. It has obviously served me well over the years, I'm pretty darn happy overall.
It bothers me though that when I look ahead towards the rest of my life that I truly don't know what it is that I want. I don't know what I want my life to look like. I've often said recently, while I haven't experienced any maternal urges yet, that if I were to find the right person and they expressed a desire to be parents that I could easily envision myself becoming a mother. Shouldn't I know what I want, regardless of what my potential future partner might want? Shouldn't I know what kind of job I want to have, regardless of the one that fell into my lap (even though I'm enjoying it immensely at the moment)? Shouldn't I know where I want to live in spite of the difficulties involved in getting there?
Then, when I popped over to Instagram at work after getting things settled for the morning, I came across this post and like...yes...this. Everything about this.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bdz1SvUgK2O/
This is a whole level beyond where I am. I'm asking myself the questions about what I want, but now I see that I should also be asking myself these "Or" questions. And I need to be doing it all the damn time.
How do I get from those first three feelings to the last two? Because I'll be real with you right now, I don't think there's a single aspect of my life that I can say "Yes, this, this exact thing is what I want in my life". Sure, I like the idea of traveling, but do I really want to travel or do I want my Instagram to look more impressive and my life to have more room in general for relaxation and leisure? Do I want to be a writer, or am I just enjoying this temporary spurt of creativity and appreciate the outlet for all the angst I've been feeling over the last few years?
Guys... I. Do. Not. Know.
But I do know, that I want to know the answers to these questions. Sounds pretty meta (and maybe like a bit of a cop-out), but I can say for sure: I do want to figure out what I want.
And I am getting better at this...very, very slowly.
For instance, I know that I want to eat healthy, whole, real, tasty food for the rest of my life. I never want to go back to eating the junk I had before. I also know that I want to be fit for the rest of my life. I can't put into words the joy I feel when I can move my body in meaningful ways and the simple enjoyment of having a body that does exactly what I ask it to do right now. Do I still have a long way to go? Sure. But I want to always be working towards new fitness goals because it fulfills me in a way I never thought possible before I started on this path.
So I've decided to start two experiments over the next week to see if maybe I can begin to answer more of the big questions.
Experiment one: Ask more "Or" questions!
Do I want to workout every day or do I want people to think I'm a bad-ass #nodaysoff chick? Do I want to have this job, or do I want to have any job with similar benefits? Do I want to live in my current apartment or do I just not want to move right now? I feel like I can confidently answer these examples right now, but I'm going to spend a while consciously asking myself more of these questions and I hope it will bring me closer to understanding what will truly make me happy.
Experiment two: Be more assertive!
I was having a conversation with a friend earlier today about how often I struggle with knowing what I want, even when it comes to the small things. I have a tendency to be a crowd pleaser and go with the flow and not ask myself what I would actually want in a given scenario. (Mind you, I honestly mean it every time I answer "Sure, we can go wherever you'd like for brunch, I'm happy either way". I really am happy either way - my needs are simple. If I'm enjoying a meal in good company at a time that works with my schedule, I am happy as a clam.) But could I be happier if I assert what I want more often? He suggested I try to take one week and be assertive in each of these kinds of interactions. If I feel like I want to go for brunch with my girlfriend this weekend I should reach out and say "Hey, let's go to brunch at X restaurant this weekend. I'm free Sunday, are you?". If I'm being asked my opinion in a meeting, I should go ahead and assert my initial reaction rather than hedging and phrasing it in a way that straddles the middle of both sides of the room.
Right now it really boils down to this: I want to be a little bit better every single day for the rest of my life. It is both exciting and nerve-wracking to acknowledge that I don't know yet what exactly "better" is going to look like at the end of my life, a decade from now, next year, or even tomorrow. I am, however, determined to ask myself those "Or" questions to really drill down into how I want my life to look and how I want my life to feel. I also hope that being assertive in the little things will move me to be more decisive with the big things.
What are your tricks for listening to your inner voice? What pushes you to be better for yourself every day? Share your experiments and your struggles, let's get talking!