The move-out and move-on

Every time I convince myself that I have everything under control, the universe throws me a curve-ball and everything turns upside down. The really bizarre part of it is that I find myself feeling grateful for it this time.

I'm not crazy; I'm not grateful BECAUSE everything feels like it's going sideways...it's more that I have this pervading sense of gratitude for the experience of it all. Every emotion I've had over the last week or so (and there have been a LOT of them...#thanksPMS) I've experienced so deeply and intensely that even the negative ones feel in some way beautiful, just from the sheer clarity and power of each one.

The thing is, I still have my health, my family, my friends, a job I love, and the fluffiest cat on the planet (I just read the sweetest blog article about the special bond between cats and their owners), so it only FEELS like everything has gone belly-up on me. Objectively, I still have an incredibly #blessed life and I am also thoroughly grateful for that in its entirety.

Last weekend I sat down with my soon-to-be-ex to go over the nitty-gritty tedious and awful details of the official "move-out" day. Predictably for us, it was an extremely amicable and only-kinda-awkward discussion. We don't have kids, we don't own property - hell, we never even started a joint bank account. So really it's all just "Stuff". Nothing on his list really surprised me and I agreed to just about all of it. In reality, we collectively owned way more "Stuff" than I ever needed, so I am in a way looking forward to the serendipitous push towards a more minimalist lifestyle. We planned for him to come by while I was at work and start boxing up/collecting his things and then on Sunday I'll be out of the house all day and he'll swing through with good friends and a couple of trucks and that will be that.

It's odd how we get emotionally attached to our "Stuff" though. Perfect example: this morning I went to bring a couple small items into the room he's using to pack-up/collect the things he plans to take and I saw he had grabbed something we hadn't explicitly talked about. This, in actuality, is NO BIG DEAL. Seriously, it's a little wooden cutting-board cut into the shape of a pig that we hung on the wall over the stove...this the definition of something that is not essential to my well-being. But in that moment before I had processed it I was enraged! I mean, I felt a wave of absolute outrage that he would do such a thing; that he would claim something like that to be his when it was given to both of us from his parents and the way I remember it: it was me who had actually asked about it in the first place. I was half-way through picking it up and ready to stomp out of the room and hang it back on the wall in the kitchen where it "belongs" when I stopped and asked myself: "what are you doing?..."

I do not need to be angry about this. I do not want to spend any of my energy being upset about this. This is actually an opportunity for me to find something that better suits my personal aesthetic to go in its place! And yet - that anger was so quick and so passionate and so sudden that it's hard for me not to marvel at it for what it was. Emotions are literally how we experience this ridiculous thing we call "Life", and I'm truly grateful to be in a place in my personal journey where I can take a step back and look in awe at the things I'm feeling.

All day today I have felt overwhelmed and close to tears at unexpected little things. I'm proud of myself for not having given in to petty anger, but I'm still at times a total mess! I really didn't think that this part was going to be so hard, but it feels like I'm going through the first heartbreak all over again. I thought that I would be glad to be getting rid of so much unnecessary stuff, that it would lift a weight off my shoulders. Out with the old, in with the new! I thought I would feel refreshed and excited and optimistic. And I do feel those things when I think about the near future...but right this moment, I am utterly terrified.

Don't get me wrong, I have tons of support to get through this! I have so many friends who are keeping me busy this weekend, I have three loving parents, I have co-workers who understand I'm going through a hard time and are quietly picking up slack and I'm extremely fortunate to have each of these people in my life. But at the end of the day, I only have me to get through this. I know I am enough, I know I am strong enough, I know I will get through this.

But I want to be nakedly honest with you all: I am scared shitless of walking through my own front door on Sunday night.

It's not about it finally being "Over" and it's not about having less "Stuff", I think it's just the physical manifestation of the guilt I still feel every goddamn day for causing so much pain by being true to myself for the first time in ages.

I am not totally okay right now. Today I am a little broken. Tomorrow I'll be pretty much the same. I have no idea what the day after that will bring. I'm just keeping my eyes glued to having a fresh start on Monday morning.

This is an opportunity to find something that is better suited to my personal aesthetic to take its place in my whole life. Someday soon I will be able just to be me...and someday I know I'll figure out exactly who that is.