How Good It Feels To Be Alone
I feel so free.
I've never had this feeling before. I went from living with my parents and brother, to living with just my mom, to living in dorms (with and without roommates), to living with my boyfriend (then fiancee, then husband) and there's nothing wrong with that life path. It was wonderful and rewarding in all different ways.
But guys, living alone is the best.
THE BEST.
What? Who knew? Why wasn't I told this?!
Recently I closed the door on a huge chapter of my life. It was super hard, and I'm still grieving. It sneaks up on me in the weirdest moments, but that's okay - it's a process. Living alone finally, spiritually/emotionally/mentally/morally (however you want to think of it) on my own, is actually incredible. I feel like I can honestly breathe easier. I know it's been said millions of times about millions of experiences, but it's exactly the way I feel today and it has permeated my life since making that choice and I am so grateful to be experiencing it.
I make plans and know I'm only really subject to my own preferences. I make dinner when it works with my schedule, I go hang out with friends five minutes down the road on a whim, I make plans to go visit others for entire weekends whenever they're free. It's unbelievable the difference this has made for me. The emotional impact cannot be overstated. I find myself overwhelmed with this bright, happy, warm, and expanding feeling every time I re-realize it (which happens multiple times a day right now). I feel, literally, "#blessed".
I know it's quite possible that I'm in the "honeymoon phase" of living alone and that any day now I could wake up and decide that, instead of being freeing and empowering, it's actually awful and heart-breaking...but that doesn't feel true to me. I'm sure that some days will be better than others. I'm sure some days are actually going to suck. I'm sure that I will have entire days where things just don't go my way and all I'll want is to come home to a hug and it won't be there and that will be a challenging night to get through. I believe, however, that in the long run this life suits me right now and that looking back I'll know that this was absolutely the correct decision; that in hindsight I'll see that this is where I need to be right now.
I am so excited for the plans I have coming up this fall and I'm finally no longer afraid of having a "plan-free" weekend. I'm just about at the two-month mark of handling life without a partner and I've learned that I can trust myself to make happiness in the absence of others. I've embraced the power of long walks and reading outside when the weather is nice, spending all day in the kitchen (frequently accompanied by the world's fluffiest sous chef), watching indulgent junk on Netflix when the mood strikes me, and finding all kinds of ways to fill the occasional lonely moment. I've always been a very social person so I've had to learn recently how to be actually by myself when I don't have even a single friend-date planned for a whole weekend.
I've also invested much of my energy over the last several weeks in nurturing my healthiest friendships so that I can fill this new chapter of my life with the love and support of some really amazing people. #NotToBrag but I have some pretty cool friends and now I have the space to explore that more fully and it's something I took for granted for too long. I'm putting the work back into my friendships and it comes back to me in a really positive way.
There was a recent article (in Cosmopolitan magazine of all places) about the importance of not "marrying your best friend" and having girl friends and I felt pleasantly aligned with those messages. (There was another article I read last month that dealt exclusively with the opinion that your husband should not be your best friend and for the LIFE OF ME I can't find it, but this one shares the sentiment quite similarly to the one I'm remembering). This is something I realized instinctually when I saw my marriage was ending, but I wish I had conceptualized this sooner. Honestly, it might have saved me some years of pain if I just hadn't shut out my kickass lady friends over the course of the last decade and not allowed guilt, manipulation, and pressure from the more insecure people in my life to choose who my friends shouldn't be.
I'm elated to be exploring this new side of myself and I can't wait to see what's next for me. Whatever comes, I know I can handle it because I have me. And for when that just doesn't quite cut it I have some truly inspiring friends to help me with whom I can feel free.
I'll wrap up today with a song I've been loving and adding to all of my playlists recently: "How Good It Feels" by Lake Street Dive
Give it a listen and let me know your thoughts on enjoying living alone (or not)!