"She doesn't even go here!"

I find myself sympathizing with the poor young lady from Mean Girls in that oh-so-quotable scene:...I just have a lot of feelings...

Having difficult conversations is no fun, no matter how prepared you are. It is helpful, however, to enter one feeling as well-prepared as you can be and to bring the correct mindset with you.

Fortunately for me, in all the work I've done over the past couple of years trying to be my best self, I've stumbled across some truly excellent resources. About a year ago I heard this podcast episode on Bulletproof Radio with the wonderful Stella Grizont. I was stuck in a job that made me miserable daily. Except for one or two truly amazing people I met there, I hated dragging my butt in there every single day. It was a toxic environment and as much as having that job really improved my work ethic (having no room for distractions and no forgiveness for common mistakes really amps up your drive to work hard, it turns out), it wasn't a place where I could thrive. I downloaded her Vision Generator later that week, but that act alone was the push I needed to take the leap to an exciting new job opportunity that landed in my lap very shortly thereafter.

My new job turned out to be everything I was hoping for and more, but in the winter I was feeling out of sorts and a little aimless. My work was fulfilling, but I was unsettled in my personal life. I dug up the exercise I had downloaded and spent some time one night following it, focusing more on personal aspects than professional ones and I came to a startling conclusion: I was in the wrong relationship.

Between then and the middle of this summer I spent ages agonizing over what that statement meant to me and how I could solve the problem. I can honestly say I tried my hardest to fix what was wrong with my relationship with my husband. A couple months after sitting down with the completed "vision", I had a very difficult conversation with him about what I needed for the relationship to be healthy for me and what I was willing to compromise on to make sure I was taking his wants and needs into serious consideration. In order to be sure I stayed true to my intentions (and let's be honest - to make sure I didn't chicken out) I actually wrote everything down and largely read from it when we talked.

A lot happened between then and the middle of this summer. Some of it was good, some of it was very, very bad. Eventually I was forced to realize that the only way I could see out of the panic-attack inducing stress I was feeling at home was to seek space and independence.

These six weeks have been precious for me in that they reminded me of the person I want to be. I had forgotten somewhere along the way how to make my own happiness important to myself. I have been able to begin to heal from a lot of hurt that I had buried for years. I feel as though I've been reborn - not in the romantic, magical, shiny, glow-y way - but in the traumatic, overwhelming, powerful, and alarming way. It has been the most rewarding trial I have put myself through, by far. I am so grateful to have found such incredible support from my friend-family and a therapist with whom I can work through some of the more complicated considerations as I've struggled to make sense of it all.

Serendipitously, the exceptional and aforementioned Stella Grizont offered a webinar to her loyal newsletter subscribers, titled "How to Have Difficult Conversations". I eagerly signed up, knowing that whichever road I chose, it was going to mean a LOT of these kinds of interactions. During the webinar, I learned how to form an iron-clad opening statement that would lay out what I needed from the conversation while also respecting the other person's feelings. The best advice she gave me was to "come to the conversation from a place of love and gratitude". Anyone who knows me well knows that I can be quite aggressive when I'm struggling to express myself, so this was an invaluable nugget to keep in mind as I anxiously anticipated the most difficult conversation I've ever had to initiate.

This past weekend I asked my husband for a formal separation on the path to divorce and we've begun the uncomfortable logistical struggles associated with such a change. I'm feeling a lot of different things about it. It's hard to pin down an emotion, but I think it's because it changes with every millisecond. I'm heart-broken, relieved, optimistic, terrified, anxious, disappointed, sad, hopeful, remorseful, and proud of myself all at the same time. I find myself trying to focus on continuing to create my shiny new "single" life, but I understand the importance of taking time to be still with my grief. It's natural to have a hard time saying goodbye to the life I took such care in building for the last ten years. I've encountered a startling amount of self-doubt on the other side of the conversation, but I'm doing my best to remind myself: being sad doesn't mean this is the wrong decision for me, it just means it's sad - and that's okay.

There's no telling how uncomfortable or awkward or strenuous this transition is going to be. It's unnerving not to know the path my life is going to take; I thought I had it all figured out already. I am, however, retaining a sense of optimism, of hopefulness, and of quiet readiness to face the challenges ahead. I'm going to use this hard-won and newfound independence to do my best to make a beautiful life out of my one chance on this scary and lovely and ridiculous planet.

In my pensive moments I find myself remembering the words a friend told me not long ago that an admired family member of his once said: that the most important part of life - the part most worth striving for - is "to reach out and to feel". That's what I want most for the rest of whatever time I have left - to reach out in as many directions and to as many people as my heart desires, and to feel - deeply and meaningfully - every experience that comes my way.

So each time I raise a glass in celebration or in sorrow, I'll think softly to myself: "to reach out, and to feel"...come what may.