Elements of Self-Care
Recently the concept of Self-care has seemed to become a twisted and manipulated way to justify being selfish and self centered or to shirk one's personal responsibilities. Self-care is not something that can, or should, be purchased at Whole Foods or your local yoga studio or at Sephora. There is rarely anything glamorous at all about it. It shouldn't be about Instagram and you shouldn't be using it to get more "likes" on Facebook. Self-care is quite literally the collection of things you must do to take care of yourself inside and out. In fact, self-care should probably have very little impact at all on your bank account either way, except that someone who is taking good care of themselves is more likely to be performing well at work and is less susceptible to impulse shopping.
Self-care looks different for everyone, and if we're honest with ourselves it's not actually very easy either. It's about doing what is best for you even when you have no energy or motivation. Much of it can give you energy and motivation once you start or if you're sticking to your good habits, but self-care is an uphill battle for people with anxiety and/or depression and it's not all about bath bombs and shopping sprees.
Self-care looks different for each person at different stages of life and it likely never stops changing. The hardest part, in fact, is to identify the practices that are helping you and the practices that are hurting you and acting accordingly. I'm still trying to figure out a balance for myself right now, but I've put together a short list of the things that are working for me right now which are almost all completely free or at least inexpensive because caring for your self should not break the bank.
1. Meditation & Gratitude: FREE
I've written repeatedly about the importance and significance of having a daily meditation and gratitude practice and here I am again because it can't be overstated: these will dramatically increase the quality of your life. There is zero cost except the 15-20 minutes you'll spend each day and I guarantee that you will gain that time back tenfold by making these a regular habit. So much space will be freed up in your brain to focus on the things you need to get done. You'll spend less time spinning your wheels, getting distracted, or otherwise being unproductive. All it takes is a little bit of peace and quiet and a real desire to learn about yourself and to be devoted to being kind to yourself. You'll learn to have less judgement of yourself and others, you'll experience more positive energy by focusing on the good things in your life, and you'll learn to let go of the things that do not serve you. If you need help getting started, both Calm and Headspace are excellent apps that have free introductory practices and options to continue your practice (albeit in somewhat limited fashion) without subscribing to their premium content. Personally, every morning as soon as I wake up I use Calm's "Open-ended meditation" option (which is available without a subscription) and I opt to have a soothing bell chime every five minutes. I use the first five minutes to check in with my breath and my body and to settle my thoughts, then I use the next five minutes thinking about something I'm grateful for and concentrating on how that gratitude makes me feel. After those ten minutes, I jot down a note on my phone of what I'm grateful for today and I'm free to start my day. It couldn't be easier (or free-er) than that!
2. Spending time with loved ones: FREE (or as inexpensive as a cup of coffee or a home-cooked meal)
Choosing to surround yourself with people who lift you up is crucial to being well. It is said that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, and that makes a lot of sense to me. The time you spend with others influences how you behave, so if you choose to spend the most time with people who are healthy and strong and loving, you're likely to exhibit those characteristics as well. No one is perfect, however, and this isn't an excuse to ditch anyone in your life who may be having a hard time right now. True wellness is about investing energy in your relationships with others, however, some relationships are simply not healthy. So spend some time meditating on the people who bring you the most joy, the people you most want to be like, and the people who seem to always let you down and do something about that. This is not easy or glamorous or something social-media friendly. This is the hard work of caring for yourself. The more quality time you spend with people you love, the easier taking care of yourself every day will feel. These wonderful people will help lighten your load, and I promise that everything you do to help them will help you as well (more about that in #7).
3. Solitude & the art of doing nothing at all: FREE (or up to $1.50)
As much as surrounding yourself with positive influences matters, so too does spending time alone with your thoughts. I recognize how hard this can be if you have a family! I have the good fortune to be able to write this from my apartment that I share only with my cat, so it's easy for me to prescribe this. I fully believe that we can't be our best selves, however, without spending some time alone. If you have kids, make an agreement with your spouse to trade off an hour or two with each other that becomes your "You" time. If you have roommates, have a conversation with them about what you need, or find a time where they're usually doing something else. Even if you're a single parent, I guarantee that one of those wonderful people you've chosen to surround yourself with would be thrilled to spend an evening every once in a while with your little ones so that you can find some peace. Being constantly bombarded with everyone else's energy can be exhausting and taking good care of yourself requires time alone to listen to what you really need, and I don't mean binge-watching The Bachelor and eating fast food for dinner. Taking time for yourself to actually do nothing at all is one of the most rewarding things you can do. It allows you to decompress and let go of the frenetic energy that modern life can bring. Personally, I highly recommend putting on some of your favorite relaxing music, getting into your comfy clothes, and sipping something warm and soothing. I've been having trouble sleeping lately, and since sleep is one of the fundamental pillars of wellness, I've been using this Reishi tea to relax at the end of the day. Obviously almost any other kind of herbal tea will work (and be significantly less expensive), but I find that this stuff mellows me out and really calms my anxiety so that I can sleep deeply through the night.
4. A soak and a good book: Almost free/pennies at a time
To reap the benefits of a good old fashioned soak in the tub, one need not spend a fortune on fancy, trendy bath bombs and face masks and spa treatments. I recommend drawing a bath as hot as you can stand, pouring in a scoop of this epsom salt, and hopping in with your favorite book. Added ambiance can be had with more of your favorite music and a simple lavender essential oil candle. I have made this a weekly ritual every Sunday night right before bed and there is no better way I've found to prepare for the week ahead. Instead of catching up with whatever show everyone is talking about or mindlessly scrolling through Instagram looking at the fun things everyone else did all weekend, I unplug and go soothe my soul instead. I've even been known to maintain this habit in the summer, which sound ludicrous I know, but the epsom salt and the heat of the water make you sweat and release toxins and you feel unbelievably good afterward. Pro tip: make sure you have a glass of ice water handy and feel free to stick a foot up out of the water any time you feel like you might be overheating. The point is not to suffer, the point is to relax and enjoy a nice steamy soak. It's no mistake that so many ancient cultures used saunas, steam rooms, and sweat tents as regular parts of their spiritual rituals and as a basic way of life. I'm pretty sure once you try this trick you'll stick with it - the sense of total mind and body relaxation afterwards is unparalleled in my opinion.
5. Exercise/moving your body: FREE
You don't need an expensive gym membership or the trendiest workout clothes to reap the benefits of regular movement. Go for a walk, do a quick routine at home using just your body weight as resistance, even cleaning your house can help you work up a good sweat. Again, self-care is not about ease and self-indulgence. Especially when you're feeling low-energy and unmotivated, this can feel like climbing Mt. Everest, but I guarantee once you get started you'll have more energy to keep going and the endorphins released will make you feel so good and prepared to tackle anything else on your list that seems too daunting right now. Having a daily movement goal can have a huge impact on your overall well-being and sticking with it will improve your self-confidence, making you more likely to stick with it and more likely to cultivate other good habits. Once I've completed my daily meditation and gratitude practice and I've gotten myself mostly ready for work, I spend 10 minutes moving and stretching and preparing my body for the day. If I achieve nothing else at all for the rest of the day, I've still accomplished the bare minimum of caring for myself and I'm less likely to judge myself harshly or to indulge in less healthy habits. I'll upload a video of my daily stretching/mobility practice soon, but there's no real wrong way to do it. Just roll out of bed and move and stretch anything that feels stiff/sore. Taking loving care of your body is an important aspect of self-care that often gets overlooked.
6. Cooking your own food: FREE (or $23 + groceries)
A simple way to care for yourself is to nourish yourself and you absolutely do not need cooking classes or meal kits or expensive dining out to do it. A home-cooked meal is a simple way to show yourself and your loved ones that you care. Cooking is not easy for everyone, and I know this from personal experience - I used to be utterly paralyzed in the kitchen. Even taking baby steps to do this more often during the week can have a huge impact. Once you get the hang of it, cooking can become a relaxing and almost meditative practice. Find a few simple recipes and work on mastering them. Keeping some basic ingredients on hand all the time makes the work of cooking exponentially less difficult. Though I haven't read it yet, I just received a copy of this incredible cookbook that instead of detailing complicated recipes for impressing your family and friends, tells you how to cook anything and why foods are cooked a certain way. I have a few staple recipes in my back pocket and some go-to's for different seasons, but most of my cooking is done impromptu with the ingredients I happen to have in my pantry and fridge. I have become a master this past year of taking whatever meat and veggies and healthy carbs I have on hand and turning them into a simple and delicious meal and this cookbook promises to teach anyone exactly how to do that. On days when I'm feeling unmotivated or disappointed in myself, this can be the hardest thing I do all day. And ya know what? Sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes I screw it up and I wind up with something completely unappetizing for dinner. This is okay too. It happens and it's part of life and accepting that is also a big part of self-care. Making cooking a more regular part of you life will certainly help you learn more about yourself and if you invest the time and effort to make it a habit, those off nights will happen less and less frequently.
7. Caring for others: FREE
The one thing I can count on to make me feel good is taking care of someone else. Volunteering can actually be completely self-serving, and that's okay. I'm absolutely not saying that you should go volunteer at a soup kitchen once just so you can feel good about yourself and pat yourself on the back. What I mean is that when I'm too in my own head and overthinking or ruminating on my problems, a great way to re-focus on what's important is to go do something for someone else. If I'm having a really tough time, this can be as low-energy as watering my plants and taking care of my fluffy companion. If I'm struggling because I feel aimless, I can go to the animal shelter on the weekend and use my time to help animals in need. Even helping a friend move or babysitting your little cousins or visiting a family member in hospice can all be incredibly rewarding, even though these can be very difficult things to do. Again, self-care is not glamorous. Taking care of yourself means nurturing positive relationships and feeling good about yourself and the ways you spend your time. Are you satisfied with spending all of your free time on the couch watching Netflix or playing video games? If your answer is yes, great for you! Keep doing what you're doing because you've got things figured out! If your answer is no, start asking yourself what causes you care about and look for ways to volunteer your time in that sphere. The fulfillment of knowing that you did something selfless will give you positive energy that you can use to do that hard work of caring for yourself a little better every day.
Turns out I have a lot more to say on this topic than I thought when I started! BUT! I think the most important takeaway is this: self-care is not a trend. It is not sexy, it is not easy, it is not glamorous. Taking good care of yourself, however, will dramatically impact not just your life, but the lives of the people around you. So remember, the next time you find yourself in a pit of self-loathing on the couch pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try one of these tricks to snap out of it. Finally, don't be so hard on yourself!!! If you can accomplish the bare minimum of these aspects or of your own self-care goals, you have succeeded.
How are you caring for yourself today? What are you going to do for others this week? What are your go-to quick fixes for your worst days? Share your advice! I'd love to hear from you :)