I'm not sacrificing goats or virgins, I promise

I've talked a lot here previously about mindfulness and meditation and the power of being present and self-aware. I've also talked a lot about my recent struggles with anxiety and the emphasis I've been placing on self-care over the last couple of years. So it should come as no surprise that A) I'm still working through my anxiety issues because there is no single magic bullet cure and B) I'm embarking on an unconventional journey to see if it leads me closer to a resolution.

Ever since I was a little girl I've been fascinated - from a distance - with all things mystical/magical. It probably stems from my love of science fiction and fantasy which I certainly inherited from my father. Most of my young adult life was spent with my nose in one book or another in the genre and I still regularly read them (I'm currently re-reading the Wheel of Time actually). In high-school I dabbled here and there with Astrology and pestered my Wiccan gal-pal endlessly trying to learn more. Growing up in a Christian household, my parents bit their tongues and let me go through my phases, but because of all of these factors I still consider myself a very spiritual person even though I haven't attended church regularly in many years and don't necessarily believe in any conventional religious ideologies.

I've been feeling unsatisfied and unconnected a lot in recent months and I've had difficulty focusing while meditating. I've been chalking all this up to anxiety and been doing my best to address the physiological elements of what I expect is an elevated Cortisol level. I'm beginning to suspect, however, that I'm only addressing half of the problem. Being physically healthy is a huge part of being mentally and emotionally stable, and I've also done my best to be gentle with my own feelings by spending quality time with the people I love and also spending lots of time quietly with myself in my own apartment (usually snuggled up with the furry little beast who lives with me). But I think that what I need is help connecting to the deeper parts of myself to really begin to make significant progress.

A little over two years ago I experienced my very first Tarot reading and it was an overwhelmingly positive experience. Naturally this was performed by a professional and was focused on providing mystical meaning for my past, present, and future (it was, after all, part of a giant Halloween party being thrown by a friend of mine so I took the whole thing with a rather large grain of salt, I assure you). This is the kind of thing most people associate with Tarot cards - "fortune telling". I will admit that things did actually work out eerily similarly to what was told to me about the cards that were drawn, but that's not really what interests me, and wasn't really what drew me in then. It's that it forced me to be more introspective and to listen to my inner voice, both during the reading and for a period of time afterward.

I've been revisiting that experience in my head lately and I'm feeling a pull inward; feeling drawn to seek out more intense introspection to listen to that quiet little voice that tells me what I really want and where I really should be going. So I did what any sane person would do, and ordered a set of cards of my own with a guidebook and a journal specifically for this weird voodoo journey. I find that I'm really excited to dive into this new world of guided meditation, not through a voice in an app on my phone, but self-guided by drawing and interpreting my own cards and answering my own burning questions for myself. I hope to find myself a little more centered and connected, but also I hope to expand my creative vision to find the individual path that's right for me instead of following anyone else's advice. I've always been good at listening to my gut, and this feels like the right journey to start right now.

I'm hoping to play around and get comfortable with my deck this weekend and my intention is to do at least one reading/journaling session a week for a year and then reassess and see where the path takes me.

If you're interested in joining me along the way (or if you've dabbled in Tarot before), I loved this blog post recently about using Tarot for meditation and I purchased this deck and journal and I would love to hear about your experiences!