The wall is not the way

Is there actually anything more peaceful than watching a pile of snuggling kittens napping? I hope you folks enjoyed my Friyay post last week!

After finally having a good weather weekend here in New England (and maybe getting a little more toasted than I should have in the much-needed sun), my summer is starting to speed right up! Father's Day is coming (friendly reminder to all you last-minute panickers) and I've got my annual "No Boys Allowed" camping trip with a few gal pals right around the corner. Factor in ample time for sunning myself, spending quality time with my furry little beastie, getting after it at work, and that thing called sleep and I feel like there just aren't enough hours to get everything done this summer!

This week I've been thinking a lot about what we say to each other, and also the things we don't say. I think so much of our interpersonal communications in American culture are designed to minimize the risk of being hurt. Frequently we wait until it's too late to tell the people we love how we really feel. If we're all honest, we're worried that if anyone knows how we feel about them, they'll get scared off.

For some reason we've become afraid of having strong feelings for one another. I don't know if it's because we then feel we would be responsible for treating the other person's feelings with a tenderness we don't know we can live up to, or if it's that we don't feel worthy of receiving those feelings, but I have to wonder how the world would change if we all just said "I love you" to everyone we love every day, regardless of what kind of love it is. I love all of my friends dearly, and I tell them often. Most of them squirmed about it at first, now they're used to me being all gushy at them, fortunately. I think there are probably a lot of acquaintances in my life that never became real friends because my emotional honesty scares a lot of people, and I'm okay with that. I want to surround myself with people who understand me and who care for me.

In all honesty, this train of thought comes to the foreground of my mind after an episode of a guilty pleasure TV show in which a tertiary character passes away and other characters find the push they need to tell each other how they feel before it's "too late". (In case you're wondering, the show is Suits...please don't judge me. It's like Entourage but less douche-y and I am full-on addicted. I just barely started Season 5 last night and I have all the feels.) But I've been mulling this sentiment over in the back of my mind since having a long-overdue conversation with a dear friend over good food and wine (as all such conversations should be had) last week.

I had the realization recently that I was putting up a wall between myself and a few people in my life because I was afraid to be hurt for one reason or another. I wrote it down and gently admonished myself for it because that is completely contradictory to how I have always intended to live my life. I've never shied away from a feeling or from a connection because those are what make life worth living. Those are the gems, the bright shining points of light in an otherwise unnoteworthy life. The things most people say they remember on their deathbed have nothing to do with accomplishments or the minutiae we fill our days with and everything to do with these pure moments of connection between them and their loved ones. How can you hope to have these moments if you never tell that person how you really feel about them?

We dance around trying not to get our own feelings hurt and trying not to stomp on anyone else's because it really fucking hurts when someone doesn't feel the same way you do. I get that. It's the most searing pain when you expose yourself and have those feelings unreciprocated. I'm not saying anyone should put themselves at unnecessary emotional risk and I'm sure as hell not saying that people should stay in relationships that hurt them because they still love the other person. (Especially in light of recent celebrity suicides, take care of yourselves! Find help if you need it. I promise, help is there for you.)

What I'm saying is that the walls we build should be looked at with skepticism. Sure, build the wall, but ask yourself as you build it: is this serving me, or am I just afraid? Am I building out of fear, or do I need this to survive? Is this wall going to help me thrive, or is it going to overshadow me?

I want you to take one step this week towards being less fearful of your own emotions. The next time you find yourself grinning ear to ear either thinking about someone or while talking to them, tell them how they're making you feel right now. Share that feeling with them. Text them out of the blue - "Remember that time we...? I just remembered and I can't believe we did that! It made me so happy I had to let you know I was thinking of you." Surprise yourself, be bold, and reach out to the people you love. You will probably make their day and you never know how much they may need that smile right then. Tell someone this week that you love them, even if it's the millionth time you've told them, and just concentrate on that feeling and really mean it from the bottom of your heart, then be open to receive whatever they give in return.

That feeling is the difference between living and existing.

Tell me how it goes! Who did you reach out to? How did they react? How did it make you feel? Be brutally honest, I want to know!