On meeting expectations

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately on meeting expectations. What does it mean to meet the expectations of the people around you, the expectations you set for yourself, or the perceived expectations of total strangers (a la social media) for that matter?

My own personal struggle is trying to figure out where my own expectations end and where everyone else's begin. I often have difficulty figuring out what I want, where I'm heading, and who I want to be. This feels like the core of the problem - what do I expect of myself, what do I value, and how do I make the right decisions to get me there?

I think it's equally important to meet both internal and external expectations, but that in order to be a healthy and well-adjusted person, you have to be able to draw a clear line between them. I'm still working on this...a lot. I don't know that I'll ever actually reach the point where I feel I have succeeded. I imagine it's going to be a constant process of adjustment, observation, and re-adjustment.

Something I've found helpful is the notion that when it comes to expectations, most people fall into one of four categories. I've listened to a few podcasts with Gretchen Rubin where she helps define the terms she's coined as "Upholders", "Questioners", "Obligers", and "Rebels". You can find a brief breakdown here, but suffice it to say I am firmly in the "Upholder" category.

The upside to this distinction is that I feel like I've got a pretty good handle on things for the most part. I'm doing well at work, I have healthy friendships, I take care of myself, and my cat seems to think I'm doing an acceptable job of keeping her safe and fed (which is obviously the most important part). The people around me expect me to have my shit together, and (I think) I'm doing a good job of being a put-together adult. I expect of myself that I will try my best every day to live by the values I've chosen and while that's a never ending back-and-forth on the inside, I think I can say at least right now I'm doing that pretty well too. (My cat merely expects that her food bowl is full and that her favorite blanket is always by the window and I'm grateful to be able to provide these simple pleasures in return for warm fluffy snuggles and watching her chase bugs around the house). As for the expectations of strangers, I like to think this doesn't affect me but if I'm totally honest I think my social media audience expects me to be shiny and entertaining, smart and funny. As far as that goes, I think I'm doing an okay job (but by all means, correct me if I'm wrong!)

The downside of being an "upholder" though, is that meeting these expectations takes the form of creating a lot of "rules" for myself. And the problem with rules is that over time they naturally become more and more specific. What began as "I expect myself to try to eat healthier" has become so many rules that I wrote not one, but two blog posts about my journey to figure out a healthy diet. What began as "My boss expects me to perform my duties in a timely and efficient manner" has become so many teensy moving parts of rules that I have numerous documents dedicated to recording exactly how to perform to these expectations in the unlikely event I actuallytake avacation. What began as "People expect me to be witty and charming" has become - wait, wtf, how does anyone do this??? I am flying by the seat of my pants; any success in this arena is purely by accident.

As an experiment, for the last several weeks I've been making an effort to actively loosen some of the rules I've made for myself just to see what is really helping me and what isn't. I hope it will also help me define where the line is between my inner and outer expectations. I've been a little less careful with what I eat, allowing myself to indulge. I've been a little more relaxed about getting my work done, understanding that things will still run smoothly when I'm not so hard on myself. I've been less concerned with how quickly I'm responding to messages and giving myself some breathing room in my calendar, gaining a little more patience with myself and some space for peace of mind.

Thus far, I can report feeling much less neurotic and much more in touch with what that little voice inside is trying to tell me. I'm noticing more and more how I feel when I spend time with certain people and adjusting my plans accordingly, which sadly happens to include less communication with certain parts of my family and fortunately includes more time with my very favorite humans. I'm learning (slowly) how to let the expectations of others for me to act according to their feelings take a backseat to the things I know make me the happiest and most fulfilled. I'm still upholding the expectations that appear to be the most fundamental to becoming the kind of person I want to be inside and out, but in a much healthier way.

I've got a long road ahead of me to perfecting this balance, but I can say with confidence that if you haven't already done so, you just might change your whole life asking yourself how you meet expectations, how that makes you feel, and what small changes you can make to your mindset to allow expectations to empower you rather than hinder you.

Which type are you, and what are the good and bad sides of it? How do you maintain balance in expectations? How do you react when your expectations aren't met or when you fail to meet others?

Let's talk!