Honing the edge

I was totally unprepared for some of the ways that ending a ten-year partnership would change me.

Suddenly I'm a "crier" and I've always prided myself on being put-together, logical, and in control. I have mixed feelings about it.

In a way, I'm glad because it means I'm becoming less closed-off to my own feelings. I'm tuning back in to what I really need, to how I really feel, to who I really am.

But

This brought me nearly to tears out of nowhere, as did this song when I really paid attention to the empty table on the other side of the bed; and this one when I was doing some yoga. And it's so frustrating for me when I find myself wanting to cry and I can't immediately label a cause like "I'm crying because I whacked my toe on something and it hurt like a B*tch" or "I'm crying because someone hurt my feelings" or even "I'm crying because this book character I really like just died and I've read over ten thousand pages to get here!!!!" Do any of you just get so annoyed when you get emotional out of the blue?

I was trying to figure out why I've been PMSing so much worse recently and I think it has nothing to do with my physical state and everything to do with my emotional state. It's not as simple as diagnosing a problem within my diet or workout regimen. I think stress is a contributing factor (the stress of continuing to adjust to life without a companion) but I think the largest factor is allowing myself to feel again, to be open again, to care about my own emotional well-being again. I may not be stone-cold level before/during my time of the month from now on, which was something I was proud of. I need to adjust and tell myself it's okay to be emotional; that it doesn't make me less of a strong woman in anyone's eyes but my own.

I need to embrace these feelings and all of my womanhood and really explore what being a woman means to me.

I want to be a badass like Wonder Woman:

Never letting any man stop her from accomplishing her goals; never letting any barrier stand in her way; and also using her emotions to feed her strength and resolve to save the day.

I want to be a boss like Wendy Rhoades:

Never letting anyone who comes to her give her anything less than their absolute best; never putting up with pointless macho attitude; and also letting her intuition, empathy and emotions help her always put her best effort forwards to make the people around her the best they can be.

I want to be a leader like Claire Underwood:

Never taking "no" for an answer; never second-guessing herself; and also using her emotional fire to fuel her ruthless path to the power she knows she can achieve.

Being emotional seems to be a double-edged sword, but I'm hoping that by continuing to hone my edge - by accepting that it needs tending and deserves proper care - I will achieve even more than I ever thought possible.

In the meantime, if you need me I'll probably still be tearing up every time I remember the ending of Scrubs or the single greatest moment of Battlestar Galactica.

How do you accept your feelings? What are your favorite things to cry to? Share your tips and tricks for turning your emotions into productive tools!