Creating light from darkness
Recently I had the serendipitous experience of reconnecting with a very old friend and discovering that this friend has found himself in an eerily similar situation to where I was this past spring/summer. Naturally, being an intensely empathetic person, my desire to reach out and "fix" the problem for him was immense, but if I've learned anything over the last nine months or so, it's that I can't fix anyone else. All I can do is offer compassion and kindness and hope that by talking it out I can help them find the way out.
What I received from this interaction is a chance to re-create the ugliness I've been through as something full of grace, to be used to help someone in need. As we've met up recently I've begun to feel a very deep healing that just talking about my problems hadn't provided before. It's one thing to tell your therapist, or even your closest friends, what you're feeling and how you've been treated/treated yourself/treated others during and after a tumultuous, relationship-ending experience. It's another thing entirely to be able to put that pain and suffering to good use.
I'm fortunate enough to have discovered that taking the darkest moments of my adult life and using them to light a path for someone else is an incredible gift.
The thing about hitting rock bottom emotionally is that there really is only one direction you can go. The hard part is convincing yourself to look up out of the hole, and believing that you can get out of it - and that you deserve to get out.
I'm currently reading an absolutely magical novel (stay tuned for a book round-up post soon, I've gone fiction crazy lately) that - surprisingly - has provided some very simple tools to help nurture loving compassion for yourself to help when you're going through dark times like my friend (and like myself not so long ago).
Ask: "If I loved myself, what would I do?"
The keys word here is "if". It removes the pressure of having it all figured out, makes the whole exercise hypothetical, and helps you see when you're getting in your own way. What would you do in the situation if you loved and cared for yourself the way you love your dearest friends (or your most beloved pet)? Many times the answer is related to better self-care, and in times of distress it's crucial to treat yourself with kindness. It all boils down to doing what's right for you (while not being a total dick to everyone around you - because if you stop and think for a moment you'll see that pushing people away and inflicting pain isn't what you would do if you loved yourself).
Wishing for others involved in the painful situation to have "perfect suffering".
This is certainly a foreign idea to my understanding of American culture, admittedly, but it resonates on so many levels. It's not that you wish that anyone else would suffer deeply, nor is it really the opposite. Wishing that they won't suffer is unrealistic and not helpful to anyone's healing, and wishing pain on someone else only amplifies your own hurt. Instead, what you wish is that the suffering they will experience provides perspective and insight, and only lasts long enough and is experienced with just enough severity to incite change and growth. Think of the other person and wish that whatever comes from the conflict you're experiencing, they will come out on the other side as a more whole person - with or without you.
When it comes to situations like this, it is often the case that there is a decision you know is right for you, but will cause others pain and it can be a struggle to choose your own happiness over theirs at that moment. The key is remembering that suffering is temporary, and while you may be causing pain short-term, you're likely granting them the opportunity to grow as an individual, follow their own path, and find the same compassion for themselves and others that you're cultivating for yourself in the process.
Maybe this was one long ramble that doesn't make any sense, but I felt compelled to write on this. It's not something I've heard many people acknowledge and I had to learn it the hard way. I hope that this can ease anyone else's suffering, big or small, and light more paths to loving compassion.
As a closing note, I'll include a passage that helped me get through some of the worst moments on this path. It's written by Tony Robbins as an intro to a recent book by Tim Ferriss:
"IN THE END, IT’S ALL ABOUT THE POWER OF DECISIONS
Our lives are shaped not by our conditions, but by our decisions. If you look back on the last 5 or 10 years I’d be willing to bet that you can recall a decision or two that has truly changed your life. Maybe it was a decision about where to go to school, what profession to pursue, or who you chose to love or marry. Looking back on it now, can you see how radically different your life would be today if you had made a different decision? These and so many other decisions determine the direction of your life and can change your destiny.
So what’s the biggest decision you can make in your life right now? In the past, I would have told you that what matters most is who you decide to spend your time with, who you decide to love. After all, the company you keep will powerfully shape who you become.
But over the last two years, my thinking has evolved. What I’ve come to realize is that the single most important decision in life is this: Are you committed to being happy, no matter what happens to you?
To put this another way, will you commit to enjoying life not only when everything goes your way but also when everything goes against you, when injustice happens, when someone screws you over, when you lose something or someone you love, or when nobody seems to understand or appreciate you? Unless we make this definitive decision to stop suffering and live in a beautiful state, our survival minds will create suffering whenever our desires, expectations, or preferences are not met. What a waste of so much of our lives!
This is a decision that can change everything in your life, starting today. But it’s not enough just to say that you’d like to make this change or that your preference is to be happy no matter what. You have to own this decision, do whatever it takes to make it happen, and cut off any possibility of turning back. If you want to take the island, you have to burn the boats. You have to decide that you’re 100% responsible for your state of mind and for your experience of this life.
What it really comes down to is drawing a line in the sand today and declaring, “I’m done with suffering. I’m going to live every day to the fullest and find juice in every moment, including the ones I don’t like, BECAUSE LIFE IS JUST TOO SHORT TO SUFFER.”