Don't forget to...
It has come to my attention recently that there's something that goes on in my brain that doesn't happen in everyone else's.
That's not actually much of a surprise, we're all unique, but I was never told that my brain could work better. In hindsight this should have occurred to me - things can always be better, what matters are the goals you work towards.
The fact of the matter is that I had always assumed that my brain worked (within a margin of error) similarly to the successful people I've chosen to surround myself with, and that by analyzing their influence on my life I could tweak behaviors and keep slowly and incrementally becoming better than I was yesterday. I still believe that this is true, but there's a hurdle in the way that I've never really looked at before.
It turns out that most people don't have an ever-scrolling "to-do" list flipping through their heads from the moment they wake up to the moment they fall asleep. Most people don't brush their teeth to a droning chorus of "Don't forget to water that plant, don't forget to brush the cat, make sure you leave a message for your boss about that thing happening in three months..."
This is a revelation to me. I don't even know how to think about another way to think. This is the only way I know how to get anything done. How else will I remember that I need to take the trash out on my way to my car in the morning on Tuesday (a pressing matter on a Thursday, naturally....)
The whole idea of leaving my phone/computer off, leaving myself detached from the outside world until I complete my own morning routine; to live my life for myself with my own intentions for the first part of my day - that all sounded great to me. So I started doing that, but I was (am) still having difficulty dragging myself out of bed, still having difficulty feeling successful in my morning meditation practice, still spending about half of my morning reminding myself to breathe and be patient - that everything that needs to get done will, in fact, get done.
This, apparently, is a textbook sign of low-grade anxiety.
Who me? Well-adjusted, little, sorta successful me?
It's been a head-scratcher.
I'm not crippled by my anxiety, in fact I've conquered a lot of it over the years. Here's a handy (embarrassing) list of things that used to make me utterly panic that I've overcome in the last several years:
Driving
Driving places I don't know
Driving alone
Driving a car with a manual transmission (...you get the idea)
Dealing with paperwork
Talking on the phone (in any professional capacity)
Cooking
Any kind of formalized "meeting"
Writing (ha!)
(Literally everything involved in being a productive member of society and not a blanket burrito on the couch...)
Maybe these things are always initially daunting to everyone, but I can remember specific instances of sweat-inducing terror at the prospect of having to accomplish each and every one of the items on that list. Thankfully, I've done a lot of work on it and can now do those things (usually) without a second thought. It's like I'm an adult or something.
I'm not looking for praise, nor do I think I'm special for getting past these challenges. I'm using this as a reminder for myself of how far I feel I've come and as an example of how my brain has always made these things seem like insurmountable obstacles.
I'm not a special snowflake, I know that we all have battles we're fighting and if this is mine, I'm extremely fortunate. But it still causes me to wonder: what could I be accomplishing if I could just direct my brain to use its energy solving problems instead of relentlessly reminding me to buy kitty litter on my way home (and then going obnoxiously silent as I pass the store after work...scumbag brain)?
I don't currently have a solution to this problem, but there are a number of things I'm trying. I'm using all kinds of techniques to make sure I'm getting good quality sleep. (It makes me seem like a crazy person, but it works! Expect a future post on sleep hygiene.) I open the shades to let sunlight in when I get up to put myself in a relaxed state of mind. I do my best to think ahead and prepare for things that I know will weigh on my mind. I also meditate (somewhat successfully), get in good workouts all week, and have started having largely "unplugged" reading nights to help decompress from the stresses I can't control. I'm starting to develop a "wind-down" process each night before bed. I take long epsom salt baths when I have the time, I talk to my friends all the time (frequently about nothing at all), and (perhaps most importantly) I take kitty snuggle breaks from anything and everything I do at home.
I'm managing my anxiety and I'm getting by, but I want more from myself and expect great things so I'm determined to conquer my "to-do ticker". I know that I can be better for myself and for those around me with some work (and probably a boatload of help).
So, help me out! What do you do to conquer persistent anxiety? What are your tricks for mellowing out? How do you approach your downtime to get the most out of your productivity?