An admission

In the interest of authenticity, I want to take a moment to admit to something I've been struggling with for the last couple of months that I think I'm (finally) coming to terms with and moving past.

I've written multiple times now about how important it is to remove refined/processed sugars from one's diet. And yet, that's exactly the kind of garbage I've been finding myself craving (and caving to) recently.

It started with a few special occasions, which I maintain are perfectly reasonable times to splurge and feed the soul what it wants. Experiencing a sense of community is very important to me right now and it just so happens that one way we do that in American culture is to indulge in sweets together. These were harmless indulgences and if I had to do it all over again, I absolutely would.

The problems started when soon afterward I continued to crave these foods, because that is how sugar affects me (and how it affects just about everyone as I understand it). The more processed sugar you eat, the more your body relies on it as an energy source, the crankier you get without it, the weaker you are to resist the temptation of it. It also affects your palate dramatically and quickly. Just a few more slip-ups made sweet, good-for-me food like carrots, sweet potatoes, or berries taste bland and less-amazing than they were before.

I started making excuses at least weekly to have some food on my "no" list and worried about it obsessively after the damage was done. I told myself I was allowed to indulge a little because it's what I needed and that I wasn't going to judge myself for it...but I was wrong. I was absolutely judging myself for every bite of cake, every piece of candy, every spoonful of ice cream.

Coming solely from that place of guilt and shame, I got back on the calorie-tracking bandwagon, thinking surely that would solve the problem. I told myself I was just making sure I wasn't over-consuming calories because I was beginning to feel bloated and less and less amazing each day I spiraled downward in this way. Unfortunately, and unsurprisingly, this just piled on the guilt and shame that I wasn't eating the way I "should". I knew better, but I kept feeling weak against the temptation of just one more mini scone from the kitchen at work.

In hindsight, the reason I was doing so poorly was that I wasn't really dealing with the emotional stress of my husband moving out. I was putting on a strong face and telling everyone in my life that I was just fine and I didn't need anyone's help.

I was wrong.

Fortunately some wonderful friends have been there for me anyway. They kept me busy while my husband was moving his things, they reached out to re-connect and invited me to things, they made me feel included and they listened to anything I wanted to talk about. They never made me feel like I was harping on the same things for too long or like my opinion didn't matter because of what I'm going through. They gently encouraged healthy habits and never judged me.

At a certain point in this transition I started having trouble meditating (increasing my stress obviously). It was shortly after this point that I was finally able to put all the pieces together and realize that all of the negative things I was feeling were pointing to my sugar problem. Inflammation, irritability, lack of focus, the inability to get out of bed on time in the morning - they were all symptoms of my increased sugar intake.

To fix this I decided a few things:

First, I would enjoy all of my favorite Thanksgiving foods with my family and truly let myself be free from judgement for ONE day. I would be mindful of each bite and enjoy it without guilt and simply be present with my family.

Second, that I would fast for 24 hours twice over the following break from work. Fasting helped to clear my body of the sugar I had consumed and cleared my mind to allow me to focus on what was important to me.

Third, I would not stress out about being away from the gym for a few days and give my body plenty of time to recover from all the stress my first un-married holiday would cause me.

And lastly (most importantly), using the strength I'd gain from following the previous commitments to myself, I would really actually stop eating processed sugar again by re-framing the rule. Instead of having my self talk be a broken record of "I can't have that", I shifted to "I'm choosing not to have that right now". It put the power back into my own hands about what I ate and it allowed for me to give myself permission someday in the future when I feel more in control of my cravings. By saying it this way to myself (and at times out loud, call me crazy but it works), I was able to actively release the self-judgement and shame and allowed myself to return to my healthier habits naturally.

I'm not perfect, I'm sure that someday down the road I will come up against this problem again. Evolutionarily, our brains are hard-wired to seek out sugar because in hunter-gatherer days it was a rare and precious energy source. Now that it's so abundant in our daily lives and designed to respond even more strongly to our palate and talked about in such polarizing ways, it's hard not to let it take over sometimes. I'm just grateful that I've been able to take stock of it and step back and make adjustments now so that in the future I can look back and remember how I got the sugar monkey off my back this time.

I imagine that some of you reading this can relate to my struggles, and I hope that others won't judge me too harshly for stumbling. I'm only human. I just hope that by admitting to my battle that someone will read this and find a way to break the same cycle for themselves. After all, that's why I'm here - I want to help all of you!

What are you struggling with this week? What are your tricks for standing up to your bad habits? Let's spread some knowledge and help each other this season, guilt-free.